Over 100 of you fell for our silly little jokes yesterday. St Kilda Beach isn’t turning white, but you can still live there—so we’d call that a net positive. Here’s what’s happening in Melbourne today, and we promise every single part is true.

The Headlines

• In a rogue turn of events, pop icons (?) Ricky Martin and Rita Ora are teaming up for an Aussie tour. The pair will hit Rod Laver Arena on Nov 1st, bringing a fusion of Latin pop and powerhouse vocals to the stage. Whether you're here for Livin’ la Vida Loca or Let You Love Me, it’s the perfect excuse for a boogie. Tickets go on sale this morning, so if you fancy a night of iconic entertainment, you know what to do.

• There’s a brand new elephant trail that just opened at Weribee Zoo that has seen the construction of a world-class new habitat for Melbourne's growing clan of Asian elephants. This open-plan, 21 hectare enclosure allows the elephants to roam freely, and visitors can watch them wander along the trail. They were moved from Melbourne Zoo back in February, allowing them to live a freer life with much more space.

• Funds can run low between paychecks, so here’s a list of the cheapest coffee, breakfast, lunch, and dinner spots in Melbourne. Any foodie will recognise some big names on there—The Heart of Carlton for its occasionally questionable $5 pasta and Other Side Coffee for its $3.80 large coffee, but there are some lesser-known bargains too. We'll be heading down to Om for our $9.50 all-you-can-eat curry, see you there.

Where to Eat and Drink

We’re not sure why it’s taken us so long to shout out Melbourne’s best coffee spot, but it’s finally time to put Warung’s name in lights. Tucked away at the quieter end of Chapel Street, this Indonesian gem has some of the friendliest staff in town and a no-fuss setup that just works—those unassuming metal stools are the perfect perch for a pre-work flat white. The beef rendang toastie has a cult following (AKA Melbourne’s TikTok sandwich reviewers), with more tasty fillings rotating through the menu. If there’s one thing you do this week, make it a Warung visit—we do it far too often.

Where to Live

The feng shui in this Brunswick room is disturbingly off, but if you back yourself to restore balance, it could be all yours in a few weeks. We’ve counted four sofas just in the promo photos alone—surely a few can go on Marketplace to free up space (and earn a bit of house beer money). Horror film lovers who don’t mind being covered in dog hair are encouraged to apply. We’re going to tap out of this one and leave it to another lucky backpacker.

Core selling point: you’ll never run out of toilet roll.

Where to Work

Sports giant Wilson is looking for casual Athlete Advisors for their Melbourne team. This professional job title would look unreal on your CV and impress your mates—when in fact in reality, it is a very well disguised retail job. They’re looking for someone to 'deliver excellent athlete experiences' by keeping the shop floor stocked up and running the cash desk, easy. They’ll kit you out in Wilson attire, and fingers crossed they chuck in a tennis racket or two.

Where to Go

A little way out of the city, Edendale Farm is your next wholesome day out. This farm is home to alpacas, sheep, ponies, and chickens, set on grounds with gardens and plenty to look at (and feed). There is also an on-site cafe to make a day of it. The farm is in Eltham, in the northeastern suburbs, and entry is free. It is slightly giving National Trust—but weren't they the best childhood days out anyway?

Enjoying the Melbourne 417?